


Beneath the Rubble

by litlantern8



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Blood, Doctor/Patient, F/M, Fluff, Mining accident, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Short Chapters, Swearing, injuries, mini story, mutual crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:21:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 14,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28032309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/litlantern8/pseuds/litlantern8
Summary: After an accident in the mines, Esther is rushed to the clinic where she's treated by Dr Harvey. Once she's feeling better though, the doctor changes his demeanor drastically.
Relationships: Harvey/Female Player (Stardew Valley)
Comments: 22
Kudos: 160





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i know this story line is a bit of a cliché but i am a sucker for it so i chose to write my own version (:  
> Hope you enjoy!

I don’t know how it happens but it happens fast.

Rocks falling, dust in my lungs and a sharp pain, an ache shooting through my entire body. My pickaxe is lost in the rubble that covers parts of my legs.  
“Fuck”, I say before I pass out. 

The pain wakes me. I blink against the darkness, feeling dizzy and sick.  
“Fuck”, I repeat, trying to drag myself out of the rubble.  
It hurts. Yoba does it hurt but I know I have to get out of here. I have to go and see Harvey. 

There’s blood pooling in my mouth as I try to wiggle out of this mess. The rubble is moving little by little, and I am hoping against hope that the pile of rocks and dirt won’t cave in on me further.  
One wrong move with the pickaxe, one moment of split attention, I tell myself in-between muttered curses, if only I would have been just a little more careful. Anything to distract myself from the pain and the fact that this was inevitable. 

I’ve been going to the mines pretty much every day since the beginning of this extra cold and extra harsh winter, even though this was the last place I should be. Before my arrival in the valley I have never even been in a small cave before, all my knowledge about mining and caving I found in the library or online. I got no professional instruction, no training, nothing. And still I chose to come down here by myself.  
“And for what?”, I mutter.  
A few pieces of iron that I could sell to Clint for a meagre amount of money. But that wasn’t it, I have saved up plenty of money over the fall, neither me nor my farm are relying on extra cash. 

The truth is, since I can’t take care of the crops I am awfully bored, I don’t know what to do with myself and my desire to be productive has paved my way down the mines for me.  
“You stupid bitch”, I whisper to myself before I sigh in relief as I manage to free my legs from the rubble at long last. Now to get out of the mines and into town. 

I turn my body, spitting out blood before trying to get myself to stand up but the pain shooting through my left leg makes me tumble and fall back over. I wipe my face, wet from my nosebleed, and a small, almost hysteric laugh escapes me. Making my way out of here will be hell. 

And hell it is. I’m not far down, four levels, maybe five but the omnipresent pain makes every step feel like a death threat. I throw up twice, my entire body shaking, I feel cold and hot at the same time and I can’t count the times I have to sit down to rest. But somehow, through some miracle, I make it. 

The cold of the outside world feels incredible, the sudden brightness hurts my eyes and only as I shield them I notice that I have been crying. 

There’s no way I can make it all the way to town, I’m lucky if I make it to Robin’s home. Little drops of blood, colouring the white snow under my weak and aching feet a dirty red. I feel sick and a sudden sensation of confusion sweeps over me, leaving me almost stunned.  
“Robin’s house”, I say to myself, almost like I’m ordering my body to go there without me.

Moving through the snow is hard, I keep falling, leaving a strange trail of footsteps and blood and dirt behind. The sun is setting somewhere but I am too dizzy to really pay much mind to that. The pain is faint but ever-present and I am so very tired. 

I reach Robin’s doorstep after a long struggle and knock. There’s shuffling inside and I can feel my knees shaking.  
Demetrius opens the door and his eyes widen in horror.  
“Esther?”, he says and his voice is far too loud but so is mine as I speak.  
“I think I need a doctor…”

And then I pass out again.


	2. Chapter 2

Harvey is furious. 

I can tell by the way he impatiently brushes that one curl out of his face that keeps tickling his forehead and I can tell by the way he refuses to look me in the eyes and by the way his fingers shake slightly as he puts on the last bandages. 

Maru seems to take note of that too as she’s lingering in the back of the sickroom, cleaning her glasses on the hem of her shirt over and over before holding it against the light to check for smudges that must be long gone. 

“What were you thinking?”, Harvey says once more.  
He’s been repeating this exact line all night, accompanied by heavy sighs and deep frowns, so deep I can see the corners of his moustache move down. 

I fractured my left ankle and cracked a few ribs, my nose is hurt but not broken, I have a bad concussion and a whole lot of cuts and bruises all over my body but all in all it could have been much worse.

“You could have died!”, he reminds me once more with the second most popular line of the night, then he huffs as he takes a look at my now bandaged arm.

It’s a strange feeling, being put into place like that as a grown up, and while I should be concerned with my health that has taken its significant toll today, I am wondering why he hasn’t said my name all night. Because that’s a thing he does, he will look you straight in the eyes and say your name with a small smile, usually at the end of a sentence.  
“ _How are you, Esther?_ ”, for example or, “ _Thank you so much for dropping by, Esther!_ ”  
I realise that it sounds rather silly, yet somehow the way he says your name has so much meaning and feels almost… intimate.  
But he hasn’t done that at all today and for some strange reason that bothers me a great deal more than the constant headache that serves as a reminder of my concussion.

“You’ll stay here for the night, we’ll see how you feel in the morning”, Harvey continues as he grabs my chart and begins to write something down with a little more force than necessary before he continues, “Maru, you can go home, thank you for your time!”  
“Yes, thank you Maru!”, I slur and give her my wonkiest smile.  
“You’re unwell, you shouldn’t talk”, Harvey reminds me sternly.

Maru gives me a small wave and a smile that is about as wonky as mine.  
“Good night Harvey, good night Essie!”, she says before she turns to leave the room.  
Once she’s gone, Harvey finally turns to look at me, brows furrowed and eyes dark, he looks like he wants to say something but then he shakes his head instead and suddenly he doesn’t appear angry anymore. Instead he looks tired, very tired. 

He’s wearing a grey t-shirt and a pair of jeans under his lab coat, which remind me that Saturday is his day off so he was probably trying to have a relaxing afternoon when I came barging in with Demetrius and Maru. I should have gotten hurt on a Friday instead. That’s when business is the slowest, he once told me that, sat at his desk, hands around the paper cup full of coffee that I brought him. 

Right now I’d give a lot to get a glimpse of that Harvey and his smartly twinkling eyes, slight flush and nervous little smiles. But instead he stands in the middle of the room, slouching more than usual as he sighs one last, heavy sigh.

“I’ll be checking in on you throughout the night. If you need anything I’m nearby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading (:


	3. Chapter 3

It’s dark in the sick room, even though the curtains are wide open. Winter nights seem a little darker than summer nights somehow. Heavier almost. 

I can hear shuffling outside and I hold my breath as the footsteps pass and the door remains unopened. Harvey walks upstairs without saying good night. Again. Like last night. And the night before. 

I get to go home to the farm tomorrow, after my involuntarily extended stay at the clinic. The nights here, in-between scratchy sheets and hard pillows, are long and cold and the days are even longer and, in the iron silence that’s been around Harvey constantly, they’re much, much colder too. 

He’s mad at me. Not mad, no. Worse… Withdrawn. Entirely withdrawn and it was that, really, that made my stay here almost unbearable. Not the boredom of the room that pressed down on my chest like a bad dream, or the constant headaches, the cold showers and nerve killing nights seamed with piercing pain from healing injuries. It was his withdrawal. 

Harvey was still caring though. He still warmed the cold metal of the stethoscope with his hands before he placed it against my skin and when he changed my bandages, took my temperature or checked my reflexes he was still gentle and slow but he didn’t talk. He didn’t laugh either, whenever I tried to make a little joke. Any questions I asked he answered with, what seemed, as few words as possible and immediately after he was done with the check-up he left the room, closing the door tightly shut, leaving me alone with my thoughts. 

“Whatever”, I’d think to myself whenever this happened, “Like I care.”  
Why would I care anyways? Because he’s stopped goofing around with me? Or because he clearly doesn’t want to talk to me anymore? Because he went to bed without wishing me a good night? Or because he’s stopped saying my name at the end of a sentence?

Okay, fine. Maybe I do care. Maybe I do care a great deal more than I care to admit.  
“But why?”, I whisper into the darkness of my last night at the clinic, even though I can already guess what the answer to that question will be.

I shake my head in irritation, causing a dull headache, throbbing with my pulse. Is it possible that over the past months and over shared coffee breaks and wine tastings, during pointless conversations about hopeless, long lost dreams, through well kept secrets and tongue in cheek arguments, I’ve fallen in love with Dr Harvey?

And in spite of the headache I let my mind wander. I break down the wall my subconscious carefully crafted to avoid this exact confrontation, and I head down the road that makes me feel uneasy and unsafe, the road of emotional honesty. And I let myself imagine what it would be like to be held by him. 

Long fingers in my hair, soft lips against my cheeks, his facial hair tickling me ever so slightly. A mess of warm breath, whispered words and brown curls. The smell of his cologne in my nose and his once neatly ironed clothes, now in messy bunches on my hardwood floor and…

Oh… Okay…

I'm in trouble now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading (:


	4. Chapter 4

Small tears are rolling down my cheeks as big strands of my brown hair land in the sink, my hipbones pressed against the cold porcelain, quietly distorted face only inches away from the stained mirror. The sharp metal of the scissors against the heat of my scalp makes the pain that is shooting through my left leg seem distant. 

It’s my third night back at the farm and I’m still mostly bedbound. I get dizzy and weak when I stand up for too long, not that I could with my fractured ankle. But without any tasks or work to busy and distract myself, the loneliness of the old house feels much more pressing, forcing me to my knees like a drink that was one too much. 

They had to shave parts of my hair in order to properly treat the wounds on my head, leaving me looking like an old Halloween decoration. While I stayed at the clinic I didn’t get around to look at myself properly because I wasn’t able to get up without help at all but now that I can move a little more freely, I find myself standing in front of the mirror until the dizziness sets in and the longer I look, the more appalled I feel. 

All the cuts and bruises will heal in no time, leaving only light pink scars that will fade as I age and my hair will grow in again, I know all of that and yet I can’t look at myself without an enormous wave of insecurity and sadness washing over me. 

Combine that with the loneliness of life on the farm and the small heart ache and I believe anyone would find themselves standing in the bathroom at one in the morning, rusty pair of kitchen scissors in hand, cutting off all the hair in a poor attempt to salvage nothing in particular but hopefully something. 

I liked my hair most about my appearance. Thick, deep brown with bangs tickling my eyebrows. None of that is left as I cling onto the sink, staring at the reflection of my own watery eyes. Not bald but close enough. Tears trickling down my face and dizziness taking over with full force so I step back and slowly crouch down, dropping the scissors on the bathroom floor.

How dramatic. How pathetic. Like a teenager, oh so misunderstood and alone in this world that cares about nothing and no one as my recovering brain takes me back to the morning I finally got to leave the clinic.

Harvey was sat behind the computer of the front desk, his curls messy, his expression professionally distant.   
“Thank you, Harvey, thank you so much”, I said, holding onto Maru who would drive me home in her mom’s old jeep.   
“No need to thank me”, he replied, his voice unfamiliar, “If you need any medical support, feel free to call the clinic any time.”  
“Yes”, I said, thinking about our first meeting in spring that unfolded similarly.

Harvey behind the front desk, me by the door, awkward small talk filling the room. But he was different then, his eyes weren’t cold and he still said my name at the end of a sentence.   
“It was a pleasure to meet you, Esther”, he’s said before I left that first day, “I hope to see you around town sometime. If you need anything at all, feel free to drop by.”

Strange and uneven, but parallels nonetheless. Wherever did that kindness go? That kindness that made him stand out to me that first day and every day since. The sincerity of his character, the feeling of open arms he used to radiate. 

Instead I feel the cold of the bathtub against my back. Strangers to friends to whatever we are now. 

I force myself back up so I could go to bed, maybe get some sleep and forget about cut hair and split ends for just a few hours at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me if this is too much I don't know!


	5. Chapter 5

The next two weeks pass agonisingly slow. 

After the symptoms of my concussion finally wore off, I got crutches so I can hobble around my home without putting any strain on my fractured ankle. Boy have I been looking forward to being able to leave my bed for longer periods of time but it turns out that being able to move but unable to work just makes me feel all the more antsy. 

I still get up at six, my inner clock is not letting me sleep any longer and the moment I open my eyes I feel a strange wave of stress wash over me so I get up and get dressed, move to the kitchen and make two cups of coffee. One for me, one for Marnie.

Marnie’s been coming by every morning to help me out like the perfect neighbour she is. She drives up from the south in her old truck and stops in front of my house, then she hops out and heads over to the open kitchen window where I sit. I hand her her cup of coffee and we have a quick chat. 

Every morning I ask her if she wants to come inside to warm up a little and every morning she declines, giving me a long list of things she has to do that day.   
“No time to slow down until the sun’s gone, buttercup!”  
She says the same thing every day before downing her coffee and handing me the empty cup.   
“Thank you so much for your help”, I repeat my perfectly rehearsed line every morning and, “I owe you big time!”  
“No, no dear. That’s what neighbours are for!”, she replies and then she gets to work.

She milks the cows and the goats and collects the eggs of the chickens and ducks before letting them out on the pasture. Meanwhile I sit by the open window, cardigan wrapped around me tightly, and watch the snow-covered farmland, feeling a small ache in me, an ache I never thought I would feel when I first got here in the spring. 

Everything was so overwhelming back then and so unfamiliar. Fast forward to now and I can’t bear not walking through the mud or not getting my hands dirty. Just like the farm that I’ve worked so hard on every single day without fail up until the accident, I’ve changed a great deal over the past year. 

Once Marnie is done in the barn and the coop she heads back up, drops the milk and the eggs into the shipping bin while she listens to me thank her fifty more times before she jumps into her truck, waves and leaves me alone to sit by the open window until I’m so cold I can’t feel my fingers. 

The farmhouse is old and rustic, which is brilliant and cosy to come home to when you’re working outside all day but the simplicity gets bland and boring when you’re stuck inside all day. Maru comes by in her scrubs twice a week to check in on my injuries and my healing process, writing everything down for Dr Harvey who hasn’t come to see me once since I’ve left the clinic. 

I find that rather odd, given the fact that he usually goes the extra mile for all of his patients.   
“He’s just busy”, I tell myself whenever that thought comes up, even though I know there’s more to it, especially after his display of withdrawal post-accident. 

Maru finds my new haircut hilarious. So does Shane. He comes by every night after his shift at Joja and I also sit by the open kitchen window, waiting for him. But instead of a coffee cup I hand him a can of beer that he drinks while we talk shit about Joja or he talks shit about how I look without my long hair. Then he makes sure the animals are all back in the barn and the coop, where he feeds them before he gives me a curt nod as I thank him. Then he heads on home, leaving me alone once more. 

Time is a funny thing. I hobble around the house all day, waiting for little signs that the day is slowly fading away. Like the old cuckoo clock ringing at noon, the sun starting to set by three, the Queen of sauce rerun that is playing at six and the fire in the fireplace slowly dying by nine. And yet, even though every day I wait for time to pass, as I lie in bed at night I have no idea what I’ve been doing all day. 

Three more weeks like this before I can use my ankle without concern. At least according to Maru and her charts. But I don’t think I can manage to wait that long…


	6. Chapter 6

I have decided to ignore my doctor’s orders that very night. 

It’s true, I’m not in perfect shape yet, I still get headaches when I concentrate too hard and my ankle hurts quite a bit but what am I supposed to do? Waste away in my small house while there’s so much to do on the farm? I don’t think so. And it’s not like I’m doing anything too crazy. Marnie and Shane will still handle the animals and I’ll just chop some wood or search for winter roots to pickle. Nothing major, really. Just enough to make the days a little shorter, a little easier. 

Nobody will know.

And so I wait for Marnie to leave in the morning before I change into my overalls, put on my jacket and a woollen hat, a boot on my uninjured foot and three pairs of knitted socks on my injured one and then I head outside for the first time in over two weeks. 

The icy air of the morning tickles my face and the sound of the snow beneath my healthy foot gives me pleasant goose bumps. Excitement fills me at the prospect of all the possibilities unfolding in front of me. 

First, I head into the barn and the coop, checking to see if everything is alright there. Marnie and Shane are experienced in ranching so I’m not surprised to find everything in perfect order. Satisfied with that I hobble to the shed behind the barn and retrieve my hoe to look for roots in a spot I know is likely to hold some of the rare winter goods. 

Working on the farm with crutches is about as easy as I imagined it to be, which means it’s not easy at all. It’s no picnic hoeing on one leg, one arm holding onto the crutch while the other swings the tool, it’s a constant battle with balance but it’s worth it as I manage to fill a whole basket with winter roots. I put them next to the steps to my porch and just as I’m about to head to the edge of the forest to chop some firewood I can hear a car approach. I turn around in surprise and see Harvey’s old Jeep pulling up. 

Oh.

He turns off the engine, opens the door and as he gets out he lifts his arms in fury. All the while I try my best to come up with an excuse but all I can think is “Thank Yoba I’m wearing this stupid hat so he can’t see my awful haircut”. 

“Are you serious?”, he shouts from where he’s parked the Jeep as he slams the door shut, “What do you think you’re doing out here?”

“What do you mean what am I doing out here? I live here!”, I reply as light-heartedly as possible as I watch him walk closer. 

The neatly ironed pair of brown slacks and his green coat and red scarf combined with his rosy cheeks and chestnut curls are making him look both mature and youthful all at once. If only his eyes weren’t so dark. 

“You know you shouldn’t be out here! You’re hurt!”, he says as he comes to a halt a good two metres away from me.

“Harvey, I’m fine. I just wanted to…”

“The only thing you should be doing is lying in bed with your injured leg elevated”, he huffs as he shoves his hands in the pockets of his coat.

“You can’t expect me to do nothing all day!”, I defend my own actions but his unmoving frown is evidence enough to prove my attempt futile.

“But I am expecting you to do just that!”, he retorts and I watch the haze his breath causes disappear in the cold air. 

“I’m dying of boredom in there”, I reply, pointing at my house.

“Well maybe you’ll think about that before you go back into those damn mines without any plan or clue of what the hell you’re actually doing!”, he’s getting more and more agitated with every word that leaves his mouth and I watch as his face turns red in anger.  
I’m starting to feel a strange sense of hurt in my chest, a feeling of belittlement that I never expected to be caused by someone like Harvey. And thus rises to the surface the desire to go into full defence mode. 

“Yoba are you seriously mad at me because I had an accident?”

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Don’t twist my words.”

“I’m not twisting your words, I’m telling you how I perceive the message you’re trying to send.”

“Well you’re not perceiving it correctly then.”

“It feels correct to me”, I retort, feeling my face burn as the anger inside me rises higher and higher. 

A headache is starting to kick in, right behind one of my head injuries. 

“I’m not surprised”, Harvey says and then bites his lower lip as he turns to look away.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”, I ask and as he shakes his head slightly, “Huh?”

“It means I’m not surprised at you arranging everything around you in a manner that suits you without any regard to losses.”

“What the hell, Harvey?”, I shout.

“Going to the mines with no training, what on earth were you thinking? You could have died! And now this? Working on your farm when you’re covered in wounds from head to toe with a fresh fracture in your ankle? Do you think that’s funny?”

“No”, I reply in disbelief, “But as far as I know what I do in my downtime is none of your business!”

“It is my business because… Because I’m your damn doctor!”

“I didn’t realise doctors were shouting at their patients like this! Is that something you learned at UNI? And what are you doing out here anyways? Why didn’t you just send Maru to check on me like you’ve done for the past weeks? I don’t know what the hell I’ve done to you that offended you so very deeply that it causes you to behave like this but I’d be more than delighted to find out!”

He blinks and rearranges his glasses quickly before he speaks again.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…”, he says, his voice suddenly much calmer.

“Go fly a kite, Harvey. Seriously!”, I start moving towards my porch.

“Should I send Maru to check your injuries then?”, he asks behind me and I can hear the defeat in his voice.

“Whatever”, I say as I carefully climb up the porch stairs. 

“Fine”, he says.

And because I can’t bear not having the last word I repeat: “Fine!”

I hear him driving off before I manage to get to my front door, which is coincidentally where the first tear falls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you like it (:  
> Happy New Year! Be safe <3


	7. Chapter 7

„So…”, Maru says as she removes one of my bandages, „You had a fight with Dr Harvey?”  
I look at her, almost pulling away in outrage.

“He told you about that?”

Maru, in her never-ending stoicism pulls me closer again and continues her work.  
“Of course not”, she says with a small shrug, “You know how serious he takes confidentiality. But I am, as some people like to call it, smart and so I figured it out myself.”

“How?”, I want to know, looking at her small face that is framed by hair so short, she can’t even pull it into a ponytail. Not that I’m one to talk.

“Well first of all he returned to the clinic much too early after visiting you yesterday and then he told me to come see you today instead, which means you weren’t home or you didn’t want him to do the check-up, the latter being much more likely given the nature of your injuries. And secondly, after he took his coat off he disappeared in his apartment for half an hour, which is unusual in and of itself but to top that off I could hear him pacing, which is something he only does when he’s agitated. He didn’t come back downstairs until Elliott arrived for his appointment. After that he complained about the state of the pharmacy and then he fell into an absolute frenzy as he rearranged the entire thing. I’ve never seen him like that so I put two and two together and I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever mood that was, you’re the one who put him into it.”

I snort in disbelief as Maru begins to clean the wound she’s revealed on my arm.   
“It’s not my fault! He… He was the one who… He started it!”, I stammer in frustration. 

“Oh, I believe that. I’ve noticed that he’s been acting different around you too.”

“Right? I don’t understand why he’s so angry with me. It’s not like I caused the cave-in on purpose…”

Maru pulls out a fresh bandage and starts wrapping it around my arm.   
“Of course not. He shouldn’t be acting the way he does but in his defence…”

“Ugh, take whatever argument is about to come, put it into a nice plastic bag, tie it up tightly and put it up…”, I say while rolling my eyes but she simply shakes her head, continuously wrapping the bandage around my arm. 

“In his defence”, she interrupts me, “I’m pretty sure he doesn’t really know why he’s acting the way he’s acting either.” 

“What do you mean?”, I ask in confusion, watching as she finishes off the bandaging process, completely forgetting where I’d wanted her to put that plastic bag.

“Well… You two are getting along quite well, I think we all know that.”

“We’re friends. Or… we were friends, anyways”, I nod and Maru laughs.

“Not really though, right? I find it pretty obvious that there’s some mutual pining going on between the two of you.”

I feel the heat rise in my cheeks as I stare at my knuckles.

“Harvey’s always been a true professional”, I say quietly, “I don’t think he…”

Maru interrupts me once more: “Right, except for when he spent his lunchbreaks with you or when he took you to the wine tastings in Grampleton. Or when he invited you into his apartment to give you the book he’s told you about when you just dropped by to give him some homemade pickles but ended up staying for over an hour. Or when…”

“Okay… okay”, I say, “I get it. But what does that have to do with anything?”

“Well up until the accident you haven’t been to the clinic for anything more serious than a mild cold. And I think when you came in all bruised and covered in vomit and blood, he probably didn’t know how to handle the situation, neither as a doctor who’s hopelessly in love, nor as an admirer with a medical degree.”

I stare at the kitchen table, listening to the clock ticking, letting Maru’s words sink in. Could she be right? Could Harvey really have feelings for me?  
For whatever reason I begin to feel even more self-conscious in my stupid haircut and I can feel the heat rise in my cheeks. 

“Well”, Maru says, lightly slapping the surface of the table with her flat hand, “I have to head back to the clinic. Do me a favour and figure things out with Harvey, I can’t stand him when he’s in a bad mood, huffing the day away and reorganising the entire clinic.”  
I let out a small giggle at that mental image which earns me a stern look from Maru.  
“And remember, no physical exertion. None, do you hear me? Nada!”

“But…”, I begin.

“Niente, Essie!”

“Fine.”

“Pick up a hobby you can do while sitting down or something”, she says as she puts on her coat and hat.

“Yes, I am just the type for hobbies”, I roll my eyes, “I’d walk you out but unfortunately I’m not allowed to physically exhaust myself.”

A small smile appears on Maru’s face.

“Good girl”, she says before heading to the kitchen door, “Take it easy, Essie, okay? It’s not only Harvey that’s worried about you.”

“I’ll be a perfect patient from now on, I promise”, I reply with a small wave that she returns before leaving me to sit alone in my kitchen.

It only takes a few seconds for me to feel bored as I look out through the window where the snow is falling slowly from the steel grey sky. 

“Now what?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading! I hope you had a good start to the new year! <3


	8. Chapter 8

“Good evening, Esther” Harvey said as I opened my screen door for him.

It was a beautifully golden summer evening, the opposite of the bitter cold that holds the valley captive now. 

He looked lovely, the sleeves of his white shirt rolled up to reveal his forearms and I’m sure that up until then I’ve never seen him without a tie. I remember how much I liked his unruly curls that night, continuously falling into his face, tickling his forehead as we walked down the path to where he’s parked his Jeep. 

The air smelled sweet and the buzzing of the bees and the singing of the birds made me feel like I was walking on clouds. Summer can do that to you, it can make everything feel nice and easy with a few warm rays of sunshine and bright colours all around. 

We drove down the old and bumpy road to Grampleton, jazz music quietly playing from the radio with the windows open and the wind in my hair that was still full and long back then. 

Harvey’s a good driver, both hands on the steering wheel, eyes on the road, brows furrowed in concentration. I thought that was funny somehow.  
“Road safety is no joke, Esther”, he explained, eyes glued to the road and a small smile on his lips, “Seriously, I don’t think I want to get in a car that you’re driving.”

“I don’t think you want that either”, I laughed, stretching my hand out of the open window to feel the moving air tickle my skin.

“That’s dangerous, Esther! You could easily lose your arm like this!”

We were driving on an empty road with nothing but bushes in proximity of the street but to keep Harvey from getting too anxious I followed his orders. 

“Apologies, sir”, I said and tilted my head instead to feel the breeze on my face. 

Grampleton is located on the other side of the mountains where the sun shines just a little longer than it does in Pelican Town, making the conditions slightly more suitable for wine production.   
There’s vineyards covering the hillsides, using pergola systems to maximise profits and scattered in-between are small farms and sheds and roads.   
The way the setting sun casted shadows across the mountains was so eerily beautiful I got goose bumps at the mere sight.

The wine tasting Harvey had invited me to was held in the garden of a beautiful little tavern. Stone walls covered in vines, heavy with grapes, lit by the last rays of sunlight and a few vintage-looking lanterns. As the sun disappeared behind the mountains for good it got a little chilly but the glasses of wine drunk kept me warm. We had Chardonnay, Cabernet, Moscato and Pinot Grigio, a lovely mix of light and heavy, of spicy and sweet that lingered in my mouth like a delightful perfume. 

Harvey knows his wine, almost outshining the sommelier that served us that night with his broad knowledge and I was unsure of what I liked better, his confidence as he spoke or the nervous chuckles that followed when he noticed he’s been talking for a longer while. 

He didn’t actually drink any of the wine, only took a sip to taste it and then spat it into the bucket, like a real professional. After all he still had to drive us home. But when he noticed the wine getting to my head he ordered a few slices of plain bread to help me sober up a little.

My head was pressed against the cool glass of the window on the car ride back to Pelican Town and I watched him from the corner of my eye, watched as the lights of the oncoming traffic illuminated his face in irregular intervals. 

“Are you doing okay?”, he asked after a while.

“Of course”, I replied, “Why?”

“You’re uncharacteristically quiet”, he said and I could hear the small smile in his words.

“I’m just a little tired.”

“And a little tipsy?”

“And a little tipsy”, I smiled, nodding slightly.

“Did you have a good time though?”, he asked as he pulled off the road and down the dirt path to Willow Fields Farm, my home.

“I really did, Harvey. Thank you so very much for taking me with you!”

“Thank you for coming with me”, he replied and with a slight hesitation he added, “Maybe we could do this again sometime?”

“I’d like that a lot.”

He got out of the car with me and walked me all the way to my door. I don’t think that back then I had hoped for a kiss. Back in the summer, everything was still new and unfamiliar, a little strange but in a good way. 

Harvey wished me a good night and I gave him a brief hug. I still remember how warm he felt and how his cologne tickled my nose slightly. Then I went inside and to bed, dreaming of wine and mountains and nervous chuckles. 

It's strange to think about this night now, as I sit by my kitchen window, gloomily staring outside with my injured ankle elevated on the old pillows my grandmother had embroidered with blessings many years ago.

_May peace and happiness be at your door._

_May your home always be filled with Yoba’s love._

Everything outside is white or brown or of a murky green, making this as dull a winter as it gets. No festive lights or decorations to brighten up the season in anticipation of the Winter Star. Bland and sad and lonely, day after day after day that I spend stuck inside, wishing I could go back to that summer night, before accidents and fights and radio silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little chapter to show the ups of their relationship ~(*.*)~  
> I hope you like it <3


	9. Chapter 9

“For fuck’s sake”, I whisper to myself as I move from one foot to the other nervously, the cold of the cobblestone seeping in through my boots and through my thick socks, “Just get it over with, you dumb bitch!”

I’m standing in front of the door to the clinic, trying to muster up the courage to just go inside and get my last check-up done. It’s been three weeks since my encounter with Harvey and while the wounds from the accident and the fracture in my ankle have healed nicely, grass has yet to grow over the fight we’ve had. I really don’t want to pour oil into the fire by ignoring the appointment Maru set up for me but I also don’t feel ready to face him just yet. 

“This is so stupid”, I say as I finally reach for the doorknob. 

“You’re late, Essie!”, Maru says, positioned behind the front desk, glasses low on the bridge of her nose, making her look like a disappointed teacher.

“I know, I’m really sorry. Left foot’s still slowing me down a bit”, I shrug as I take off my jacket and hang it on the coat hook, leaving my hat on. 

“Right”, Maru replies, raising one eyebrow, clearly not believing a word, “Well, Harvey’s in the back so just walk on through. You know the way.”

I hesitate for a second, anxiously playing with the straps of my backpack that I’m holding.

“Go on, then! He won’t bite you, I promise”, Maru comments. 

“Not so sure about that”, I mutter as I walk past the front desk down the hallway leading to the examination room.

With every step I take I slow down slightly, uncertain and uncomfortable, wondering what to expect. I knock as I reach the door, hands shaking as I hear him say “Come in”. 

“Uh”, I say as I open the door, “Hey there.”

“Good afternoon. Come in, take a seat and take your left shoe off please.”

“Thanks…”

His voice is formal, almost cold and he doesn’t look up from his computer until I’m sitting on the exam table, the protective paper crinkling under my weight as I shift from one side to the other while taking my wet left boot and sock off. 

“How have you been?”, he asks then, moving his rolling chair over to the table with his long legs.

“Alright… I’ve been resting to the best of my abilities.”

“Mhm”, he replies while he gently grabs my left ankle, carefully moving it, “Tell me if it hurts.”

“It doesn’t”, I assure him. 

“Good”, he replies and I wonder how long he can go without looking me into my eyes.

After a little while he lets go of my ankle at last, grabs his grey clipboard instead and begins to scribble something down. 

“That seems to have healed quite nicely. Now please move your sweater up a bit, I need to check your ribs.”

I do as I’m told, feeling awfully insecure about my body. Almost six weeks spent lying down and already I look a bit too podgy for my taste. Not that I’ve ever been particularly skinny but regardless of that, right here, right now is the worst time for insecurities as Harvey carefully begins to touch the area of my rib cage that was injured. 

A shiver runs through me as the smell of his cologne and the warmth of his hands on my sensitive skin cause my chest to grow tight, making it very hard to breathe.

“Does it hurt?”

“Huh?”

“Does it hurt when I touch you there?”

“No”, I reply breathlessly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yah.”

“Very good. Do you have any trouble breathing at all?”

“No”, I say and my voice is barely audible now at this point.

“Excellent. I’d like to take a look at the big cut on your occiput then.”

“My what?”

“The back of your head.”

Ah fuck. 

“Is that strictly necessary?”

“Yes”, he replies without looking up from his notes.

Harvey hasn’t seen my awful haircut thanks to that stupid hat I’ve been wearing but there’s no way around it now. Which is great, really. Because who needs their dignity when in a room with someone they’re on bad terms with anyways. Not me apparently. 

With a very heavy sigh I remove the hat in one swift motion, causing Harvey to finally look up. His gaze lingers a few seconds longer than necessary and I can’t really read his expression. My face burns and I lower my eyes to stare at my fingers that are tightly clutching the hat. 

“Please turn around”, he says finally and I can detect a small change in his voice. It’s a little gentler. Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking. 

I do as I’m told and he examines the cut, fingers gently pressing against my scalp, causing goose bumps to appear down my neck. 

“Good”, he states, “It says here in my notes that the smaller cuts and bruises on your arms and legs have been checked by Maru last Monday, is that correct?”

“Yah”, I breathe, already putting the hat back on, like it would make a difference now. 

“Would you like me to look at them again?”

“No”, I say quickly, “That’s okay.”

“Well then… While you should take it easy still, I think you can pick up work around the farm again. No heavy lifting and don’t overdo it, your body needs to adjust to the physical work before you can go back to your old routine. Do you have any questions at all?”

“I don’t”, I reply, putting my sock and boot back on. 

“In this case… I wish you a pleasant day.”

It stings in my heart because I just know that before all of this he would have looked me in the eyes and said “Enjoy the rest of your day, Esther. Take care!”. And his voice would have been warm and gentle and he would have given me one of his smiles, the kind that makes his nose wrinkle slightly. Instead he’s back at his computer, typing the things he’s written on the clipboard into some complicated-looking software. 

My breathing picks up a little and suddenly the discomfort is overwhelming. I just want to leave and I am almost heading for the door but I change my mind halfway and as quickly as I can with those shaky hands of mine, I zip open my backpack and pull out the neatly wrapped gift I brought.

“Happy early birthday, Harvey”, I say as I put it on his desk, disrupting his perfect order with the bright yellow wrapping paper.

He looks up in confusion but before he has time to react properly I turn around and rush out the door, backpack still wide open and blood rushing in my ears because I don’t think I want to know what he has to say anyways. 

“Essie?”, Maru asks as I pass her but her voice barely registers, “Essie, your jacket!”

And just like that I’m out the door, the heat in my face keeping me safe from the cold of the dreary winter day for most of my way back to the farm. Then I begin to shiver.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading <3


	10. Chapter 10

Working on the farm after the accident is a nightmare. 

After spending six weeks in recovery, I’m even more out of shape than anticipated which is absolutely horrifying, given the fact that there’s so much to do after my prolonged absence. 

First, I need to tend to the animals which is the first of many disappointments this morning.  
Since Marnie and Shane took care of them for me for so long they’re not used to having me around anymore and my presence seems to make them slightly nervous. This isn’t too big a deal with the chickens and the ducks but it provides a real challenge as I try to milk the cows and the goats.  
They’re not vicious creatures, they don’t get angry or try to get rid of me but they are visibly unnerved and uncomfortable which makes it both difficult as well as disheartening to work with them. 

The whole process takes me much longer than it should and I am out of breath and almost dizzy once I’m done. While carrying the milk churns up the slight slope I slip on the ice and fall forward. I’m barely able to brace the fall and most of the milk spills, melting the snow and the ice with its remaining warmth.  
I curse my heart out of my chest before taking a deep breath and telling myself that it could be worse. 

“First day back at the job is never easy”, I say to myself as I pick the half empty churns up and carry what little is left of the milk to the shipping bin. 

It’s freezing cold this morning and since I left my proper jacket at Harvey’s clinic after my weak little cop-out yesterday, I am forced to wear a thin denim piece that I usually only put on for chilly summer nights or sunny autumn afternoons. Far from ideal. Stupid, to be precise, but I am in no mood to go to the clinic and face Harvey again so soon. 

My mother would have compared my behaviour to a petulant child’s. Too stubborn for my own good but really, I was just completely overwhelmed yesterday. Just like I am right now. 

I need to chop firewood because I’m practically out and I’d rather not freeze my ass off during the night but after only ten minutes of swinging the axe, my arm is trembling, my muscles tired already from the movement that is by now unfamiliar. I force myself to keep going though, just a little longer, no breaks allowed. Anything so I don’t have to admit that I’m struggling just like I did back in spring. I don’t want to be back to zero. 

Once I have enough wood to keep me warm for at least the rest of this week I carelessly throw the axe back into the shed, the loud thump causes the chickens to cackle in utter outrage and as I step back from the shed to slam the door shut, I slip one more time, falling right on my tailbone, squeezing all the air out of my lungs.

“Fucking hell”, I curse, my voice still hushed before I carefully get back to my feet again, trying to brush the snow off my wet legs and arms. At this point I should probably just go inside. Try again tomorrow but I can’t just give up and I definitely can’t just stand still. Six weeks of stillness are more than enough. More than I would have granted myself ever, if it weren’t for the damned, handsome doctor. 

Anger is boiling in my stomach as I stomp back down the path to the pasture. Anger caused by something I can’t properly put into words but anger that I can easily project on the brittle fencing that broke under the heavy weight of the walls of snow and needs fixing.  
I try to assess the damage done to the wood but the closer I look and the more breakage I discover, the bitterer I feel and in an unreasonable burst of frustration I kick one of the poles, almost losing my balance and in an attempt to keep myself from falling a third time, I hold onto the fence and a sharp pain soars through my arm. Splinters. Like twenty of them. 

I stare down at my hand, white from the cold, my veins appearing red through my skin that is speckled with dark pieces of wood. I try to make a fist and it hurts. 

“Serves you right you stupid train wreck”, I hiss at myself, then I let out a sharp laugh which turns into a frustrated sob, “Fucking pathetic you are…”

I’m completely out of breath, shivering in my clothes that are soaked with my own sweat, tears and blood and it’s not even noon. 

“Get a move on”, I think to myself, “Just don’t stand fucking still.”  
But I do. Even worse, I sink to the ground, hands pressed to my stomach as I crouch down and cry like a baby. I cry until his steady voice breaks through the white noise that surrounds me in my powerless exasperation. One word and I had no idea just how much I’ve actually missed the sound of it. 

“Esther?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some days do be shit like that, huh?  
> thank you for reading <3


	11. Chapter 11

“I’m fine for fuck’s sake!”

“You’re not! Let me see your hand!”

I’m stomping up the path towards the farm house, my fists shoved into the pockets of my denim jacket in spite of the pain caused by my torn skin, just to prove a point.   
Harvey, of course, is having no trouble keeping up with me since I’m pretty out of breath from all the crying I’ve done and the fact that he’s like ninety percent legs doesn’t help my getaway either. 

“It’s just a few splinters, I can take care of that myself, thank you very much!”, I huff, stopping in my tracks, partially to glare at him in fury but also because I need a quick break to catch my breath.   
The cold air stings in my lungs and I shudder slightly. He looks at me, eyes full of concern and his curls an unruly mess that I would love to run my hands through. 

No.

Fuck.

“Why are you here anyways?”, I ask, my voice a little too sour, even for my own taste. 

He blinks a few times, visibly irritated by my tone, then he furrows his brows.  
“Well you left your jacket at the clinic yesterday and I assumed you might need it.”

I look at him, feeling even stupider with my mascara-stained cheeks, my wrath and my thin denim jacket.   
“Ah… Oh”, I breathe in surprise, not knowing where to look anymore so I stare at my worn-out boots, “Thanks…”

“It’s in the car. Let me fetch it.”

He turns on the heels of his nice-looking leather boots that are such an unwelcome reminder of just how much of a mess I am right now. Today is just one personal low after the other, really.   
I watch as he walks the path back up towards where he’s parked his Jeep and wonder why on earth he’d make his way out here just to give me my stupid jacket, after weeks filled with either fury or indifference. 

He opens the passenger door with one hand and quickly grabs a bundle of midnight blue and red fabric. My jacket. But as he shuts the door I can see him holding something else as well which looks suspiciously like a first aid kit. 

I turn to face away awkwardly as he walks back down the path, and I pretend there’s something very interesting to look at just behind the tree line.   
“There”, he says, coming to a halt before me and handing me the jacket that I grab swiftly with the uninjured hand. 

“Thank you”, I murmur, shifting my weight from one foot to the other as I see that the thing he is holding is indeed a first aid kit. Bright red and anxiety inducing. I can practically smell the disinfectant. 

“Listen… uhm…”, he pauses, rolling his eyes slightly, which is something he does when he gets frustrated with himself, “I understand I’m in your bad books right now but… I can’t leave knowing that you’re hurt and not having done anything to help with it. So please, let me at least take a quick look at it, will you?”

I look at him warily. While he seems a little on edge, he’s nowhere near as cold as he was only yesterday and there’s a small hint of that inviting kindness rekindled in his eyes, making them seem much less dark. And this is what makes me waver in my decision to begin with because while I’m in no mood to fight with him again I’m also very inclined to try and see how far this new old spark of friendliness goes. 

“Fine”, I finally say, my voice slightly lighter. 

Harvey is a brilliant doctor. He’s gentle and patient and always knows exactly what to do which makes the way he acted these past weeks all the more confusing. I watch as he carefully removes one splinter after the other, sat at my kitchen table, right next to the window, my hand in his with the light of the winter day reflected in his glasses. 

“You know…”, he says calmly, not looking up from where his tweezers meet my palm, “I also drove out here because I wanted to thank you for your gift. It’s really lovely.”

“You opened it already?”, I ask in disbelief.   
Dr. Proper opening his birthday gift before his actual birthday sounds made up to me. He chuckles slightly as he successfully removes one of the smaller splinters and puts it on a tissue he’s prepared for this exact purpose. 

“Curiosity got the better of me, I’m afraid”, he admits as he moves the tweezers back to my skin, “Tell me if I’m hurting you.”

“You’re not”, I reassure and then, “I’m glad you like it but it’s really nothing special.”

“I really do like it a lot. You made it yourself, didn’t you?”

“Unfortunately. It looked much nicer in my head though.”

It’s a coffee mug. I made it long before the accident, out of the fine clay that I’ve collected during the fall. It’s not very even, probably leaky too but I painted it like a summer sky with airplanes and vines. In hindsight, it’s rather kitschy and pretty on the nose but I remember being so excited about the idea and well… if that stupid mug is the reason why Harvey’s eyes are a little brighter again then so be it.

“I think it looks great. I didn’t know you painted.” 

“I used to but I was never any good at it.”

“I disagree”, he says, removing the last splinter, “There you go. Now I’ll disinfect it so you won’t have any more troubles with the wound, this might sting a bit...”

It does sting but it’s not too bad. Much less painful than an infection I assume.   
I watch Harvey as he cleans the tweezers and puts his things back into the first aid kit and I realise, that I’ve missed having him around a great deal more than I wanted to admit and the prospect of him leaving isn’t making me feel very great either. I want to say something to break the silence but can’t come up with anything useful and so I helplessly watch him get to his feet.

“Well”, he says then, grabbing his coat that he’s draped over the back of the chair and puts it on, “This should heal quickly, just make sure to wash your hands regularly to keep the wound clean, okay?”

“Okay.”

I walk him to the door, shifting my weight from one foot to the other as Harvey grabs the doorknob. But then he hesitates and with a small sigh he turns around once more.   
“Are you sure you’re alright?”, he asks and his eyes are filled with concern again.

“Uh… Yah”, I stammer in surprise, “It’s just… It’s been a bit of a shit day is all. Getting back into the swing of things is… whatever…”

He nods, his features soft.  
“I understand. But as your physician I can assure you that you’ll bounce back in no time. It’s important you don’t work yourself too hard, though. Take it easy and build up from where you are… You know all that, I’m sorry… Sometimes I… Sometimes I can’t help myself”, he chuckles slightly, his cheeks rosy and at that I give him a weak smile.

“Thank you, Harvey. For stopping by and for bringing me the jacket and… well”, I lift my recently patched up hand lazily, “This.”

“Anytime”, he smiles at me kindly, causing his nose to wrinkle slightly, “Take care, Esther.”

I can feel my smile growing bigger and the heat rising in my cheeks at the sound of my name.

“Take care, Harvey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)   
> thank you for reading! Have a lovely weekend <3


	12. Chapter 12

“It’s eerie out here, isn’t it? Everything’s so… quiet.”

I sniffle, kicking the ice frozen ground with my heel a few times, causing a small crackling sound. 

“I like it”, Emily continues and tilts her head up to look at the pale sky, “There’s real beauty in the unfamiliar.”

We’re sitting out on my porch steps, atop Emily’s enormous red coat, the biggest coat I have ever seen in my life, wrapped in two blankets with steaming cups of tea in our hands. Sitting here is a thing we started doing back in early spring. Emily was one of few people who came out to the farm to visit from time to time just to say hello after I just moved here. 

She’s a whimsical ball of positive energy decked in bright colours with nothing to hide but her fantastical dreams. I liked her from the very beginning and I’ve grown to love her whole-heartedly for all her quirks and bursts of laughter. We like to sit and have tea together out in the open though today is the first time since this harsh winter started that she actually managed to make her way out here through the walls of snow. 

“Yeah”, I agree, holding the warm cup closer to my chest, “It’s nice to see the way each season accentuates this place differently.”

She chuckles, her arm brushing against mine and I get a whiff of her heady perfume. Frankincense and blackberry.  
“I keep forgetting that you’re still in your first year in the valley! It feels like I’ve known you for ages!”

“I know”, I reply, placing my head on her shoulder, feeling her familiar warmth and somehow all the anger and confusion and frustration of the past two months are forgotten, at least for a few seconds, which is the magic of friendship I guess, “I don’t think I’ve ever felt at home like this.”

“It’s funny. I always knew we’d be great friends.”

I look up at her without moving my head.  
“Yeah?”

“Yeah. When I first saw you, stumbling into the Stardrop on that rainy spring night, I thought to myself ‘This rain soaked, mud-covered girl will be your friend’.”

“Oh right”, I say, “I remember that too. To warm me back up Gus gave me some hot mead on the house and it was so sweet I could practically hear my dentist laughing in anticipation.”

Emily chuckles slightly as she takes a sip of her tea.  
“It’s really good though.”

“Worth every cavity”, I agree, lifting my head off her shoulder. 

She looks at the cup in her hand for a few moments, swirling the tea like it’s wine.  
“So what’s the deal with you and Harvey then?”

“Sudden change of subject”, I comment, too tired to even question why she brings up Harvey. Apparently everyone around me knew I was into him before I did. 

“Not really though, right? We just talked about how at home you feel here, maybe he plays a role in that too?”

I snort.  
“Hardly. We haven’t gotten along great lately.”

“Huh? Why not?”  
Emily turns to look at me with concerned eyes, pulling the blanket with her.

“Hard to say”, I shrug, grimacing slightly, trying to get some of the blanket back, “He got really angry with me after the accident and that made me get angry with him I suppose.”

“Well I got really angry with you too when you had the accident, I just didn’t get a chance to yell at you.”

“You can yell at me now”, I offer but she brushes me off with a dismissive wave of her left hand.  
“Nah, it’s too late. I’ll just assume you learned your lesson.”

“Sure have”, I say, pointing at my terrible haircut that isn’t so terrible anymore now that the hair has grown out a bit.  
I still look like a second-hand doll that has gotten an awful haircut by the previous owner but at least now it looks less deliberately bad. Though I’m not sure that’s a good thing. 

Emily pulls a face. She was a big fan of my long hair, almost as big a fan as I was and the first thing she told me when she arrived today was “Man, I wish you would’ve at least let me cut it for you.” 

“To circle back”, she continues then, turning her head to look at the coop where the chickens have begun cackling over a root they found, “I still have a gut feeling that tells me you’ll end up with Harvey. I think you’d make a great couple. Why don’t you just make up?”

“We sorta did I think. He was here a week ago and… well… It felt almost back to normal but not quite.”

“Mhm”, Emily nods, placing her now empty cup of tea down by her side, “Bad vibes tend to linger if you don’t talk shit out.”

“I guess”, I reply, scrunching up my nose to make sure it hasn’t turned into an icicle yet. 

“Maybe we should go inside”, Emily suggests, looking at her slim fingers, pale from the cold.

“Probably”, I laugh, “Lest we freeze our asses off.”

“Yeah let’s not.”

Emily gets to her feet with ease then turns around to help me get back up which is still more of a struggle than I would like. 

“Emily?”, I say once I’m standing.

“Yes, Ettie?”

“Do you really think Harvey and I could be a thing?”

A small smile tucks at her bright red lips and she places a hand on my shoulder.

“When is my gut ever wrong?”

“Maybe I should talk to him.”

“Maybe you should.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey :O)  
> I got my brother to play SDV with me and he's fallen for Emily so I felt obligated to write her into my fic :D
> 
> thank you for reading! Enjoy the rest of your week! <3
> 
> 03/02/21: I would like to give you all an update: my brother has divorced Emily because she ‘just doesn’t give back to the community enough’ and he likes Penny better after all. I’m starting to doubt that were we truly raised by the same people?


	13. Chapter 13

“Ah crap.”

I put the big bags full of groceries back down and shake my cramping hand aggressively. I’m barely fifty metres away from the shop and I’m already struggling. I had to buy a lot of food today since I was out of pretty much everything that I can’t supply myself with and after over half an hour inside the timeless void that is Pierre’s General Store I am now headed home with a backpack and two enormous cloth bags filled to the brim with goods. The bags are heavy and uncomfortable to carry and I’m not as fit as I used to be so this errand is even more annoying and frustrating than expected. 

Back in fall this wouldn’t have been such an issue. Or maybe it would have been and I’m just putting my past self on a pedestal now that I feel so compressed. Either way, the long walk back to the farm will be a dilly hassle today, especially given the fact that the snow lies almost knee high for most of the way there. One of the downsides of living in the country side is the lack of snowploughs apparently. Who would have guessed. 

With a very heavy sigh I grab the bags again, heave them up and put the thin straps on my shoulder, almost losing my balance in the process.  
“Ugh shit, _shit_!”

I keep going, one small step at a time, trying not to roll my ankle, which is still weak from six weeks of inactivity. As I walk I jump back and forth between swearing under my breath and loudly wishing I had money for a car. It’s still cold and the valley is expecting at least one more week of snowfall before the temperatures will rise again and I can’t wait for that. I can’t wait to see grass again and I can’t wait to hear the birds singing and I can’t wait to get back to working on the field with earth stained fingernails and mud-filled boots. 

“Stupid winter”, I grumble as I struggle to wade through a bank of snow, “Stupid, no-good cold.”

Just as I am considering to sit and stop existing I hear a car approaching from ahead. With a heavy sigh, I begin waddling to the side of the snow-covered road when I recognise Harvey’s old Jeep in the dim light of the late afternoon. He stops the vehicle a good six metres before me and I feel the heat come crawling back up my half-frozen face as the driver’s door opens and he steps out, one hand resting on the roof of the car.

“Good afternoon, Esther”, he greets with a small smile and an even smaller wave.

“Heya Harvey”, I reply, realising I’m more out of breath than I thought which is just so great.

“Looks like you need a ride.”

“Uh…”, I look around to give myself some sense of orientation after walking so deeply in thought for most of the way and it turns out I’m not even halfway back home. 

“Hop on in”, he smiles and motions with his head for me to come closer.

The two bags of groceries squished in the foot space, my backpack in my lap and my pulse in my cheeks I’m sitting next to Harvey, watching as he patiently begins to turn the car back around.

“I’ve just done a house call in Grampleton”, he explains, putting the car in reverse, “It’ll start snowing soon so this is really lucky.”

“Thank you, Harvey”, I reply, my heart fluttering as he puts his hand on the back of my headrest and turns to look out the rear window.

His car is warm and smells like him and somehow that scent is much more prominent now than it was back in summer. 

Must be the heating, I tell myself. Or maybe it’s the romantic attraction, hard to tell. 

“There”, he says, more to himself once the car is turned around, then he starts to drive the path back up towards the farm. 

“I see you’ve done some shopping?”

“Yeah, I was… I couldn’t put it up any longer.”

“I can see that”, he chuckles, “Healthy things only, I hope.”

“Yah”, I lie thinking of the five or so bars of chocolate and the gummy frogs that are most definitely buried somewhere in my bags.

We drive in silence for a little, snowflakes beginning to dance in the beams of the headlights while the gears in my head are moving feverishly as I try to follow Emily’s advice and just… talk. About anything, really. But it’s hard, everything feels so awkward and clumsy and no matter what I come up with, nothing sounds right. Like I’m back in high school. Fat, stupid Ettie sitting next to her crush in lab. Though I know the stakes here are a little higher than when I was fifteen, which doesn’t help with the situation at all. 

But it turns out I don’t have to come up with anything to say at all, because the silence is broken by Harvey.  
“Listen, Esther”, he starts and I know just by his tone that if he weren’t driving the car right now he’d be bouncing his right leg which is a nervous tic he has, “I think it… I should… I wanted to apologise for the way I acted after… you know.”

My heart skips a beat at that. This was unexpected.

“That’s quite alright”, I say, playing with the straps of my backpack, bouncing the tips of my boots against one another.

“It wasn’t…”, he starts and I can see him roll his eyes in frustration, “I had no malintent, I hope you know that.”

“Harvey, it’s okay. I’m just glad you’re not mad at me anymore.”

“I wasn’t mad at you Esther”, he says quickly and for a brief moment he turns to look at me, his eyes remorseful.

“Oh”, is all I can say and, “Then why were you angry?”

I faintly remember what Maru told me way back when and wonder if maybe there really is some truth to what she said about him being overwhelmed with his feelings regarding the situation after the accident. It always seemed like wishful thinking but right now it feels reasonable, almost. 

Harvey lets out a small noise that might be a laugh. 

“Yes well”, he begins, “It’s hard to say. But it’s not about you, it’s about me, really.”

“Vague”, I comment and I can almost see the redness in his cheeks intensify. 

“I’m sorry”, is all he replies but there’s not much more time to say anything because this is when he pulls up to my house. 

“Well… Thanks for the ride”, I say as I gather my stuff and open the door, “Get home safe.”

“Anytime”, he replies and he gives me a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “Take care, Esther.”

I nod, then shut the door and that is that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! i really hope you like it! have a lovely day!


	14. Chapter 14

Except that is not that. 

I stare at the car door that I just slammed shut. I know Harvey’s waiting for me to step back so he can turn around and drive home to Pelican Town but I stay put. I stay put and look through the frosted glass of the window where his silhouette is looking right back at me. 

And then it starts, a sensation, almost electrical, that origins in my fingertips and wanders up my arms, down my back and neck until it reaches my tiptoes, all within a matter of seconds. A rush of courage that is unfamiliar because it is rarely required. But it is required now because I know as well as he does that if I let this go today we’ll never talk about the issues that have arisen over the past weeks ever again and we’d stagnate in whatever kind of relationship we’re in right now. 

It is this rush of courage that makes me drop my two grocery bags in the snow before I open the car door again.

Harvey looks at me in confusion, his hands holding onto the steering wheel tightly.

“Everything okay?”, he asks, voice full of concern as he turns the engine off while I climb back into the car and close the door behind me. 

“We’ll talk now”, I reply with quivering determination.

“What?”, he shakes his head in confusion, a move that sends another bolt of courage through my body.

“We’ll talk now”, I repeat, “Because there’s no way I can let you get away with ‘It’s not about you, it’s about me’ as an excuse for what has happened.”

“Esther…”, he says and I don’t like the way he says it. It comes out as a heavy sigh, like he’s a tired teacher, trying to explain something that has been explained many times. Except he hasn’t explained shit.

“I’m not the one being unreasonable here, Harvey”, I immediately retort, “I had an accident, I got hurt and when I woke up you were being cold and unkind until you weren’t anymore. And don’t get me wrong please, I’m glad you’re back to normal but I’m still confused, you know? Like… what exactly happened?”

He begins to bounce his right leg but he looks at me with a surprising calm.

“I wasn’t trying to be cold, I was being distant.”

“That’s the same thing”, I reply, feeling the heat in my cheeks intensify as a result of his near guilty plea.

“It’s not the same thing.”

“It’s the same to me.”

“But it’s not.”

“You’re dodging the issue again!”, I point out, shifting in my seat uncomfortably as something in my full backpack presses against a soft part in my spine. 

“Yoba, you’re something”, he huffs, “Do you have any idea how hard it is to be a doctor and a friend? I can’t be both at the same time, that would make work impossible. So, when a friend is being rushed into the clinic I have to be their doctor before I am their… before I am anything else.”

I shake my head in disbelief. 

“What?”, he asks, his tone sharp.

“Well the cold shoulder you’ve been giving me isn’t exactly the nurturing kind of behaviour I’d expect from a doctor”, I reply, “So your excuse just doesn’t add up. You weren’t being a friend but you weren’t being a doctor either.”

“I’m not a machine, Esther”, he replies, “I can’t turn off all my feelings in an instant, though I sure wish I could, trust me.”

There’s a frustrated undertone in his voice, a sad kind of frustrated, that makes me feel cruel all of a sudden and in comes the anticipated regret as a form of aftershock to the rush of courage from before. The electricity disappears and is replaced by a feeling of strange numbness. 

The automatic lights inside the car go out and I went too far, tried to push him too hard because he didn’t say what I want to hear. I know I can’t force him to say something that might not even be a reality for him but I still am a bit crushed at the thought that Maru might have been wrong after all. 

Yoba.

A stupid idiot is what I am.

“Harvey”, I say then, my voice shakier than before but he interrupts me.

“It’s never been easy to be a doctor in a small town like this one. Because I’m involved in the community, I know my patients very well, most of them are friends of mine. My private relationship with my patients influences my professional relationship with them and vice versa.”

Harvey turns to look out into the darkness that surrounds the car now. The only thing we can see outside are the snowflakes that land on the fogged-up windshield glass. He stops bouncing his leg and forms tight fists instead.

“It’s never been a real issue so far. It’s not easy but I can manage. But with you it’s… different. The lines between private and professional feelings are… blurrier and…”, he stops for a second and lets out a very heavy sigh, “It’s just really damn hard.”

“I’m sorry”, I say after a quick beat. It comes out almost instinctively.

He breathes out through his nose, a sound that vaguely reminds me of a laugh.

“Why are you sorry?”

“I don’t mean to make things difficult for you.”

“I’m the professional here, Esther. I should be the one to put my foot down when things are going too far but I didn’t want to. It was too nice getting to know you.”

My face is burning and I’m glad it’s dark but at the same time I wish I could properly make out his expression as he turns to look at me again. 

“Yoba, I hope I’m not making you uncomfortable”, he laughs but it sounds shaky and insecure.

“You’re not. Don’t worry.”

Silence fills the car for a few long moments and I’m spending the seconds chasing my thoughts that are racing around in my head. This situation feels tense in an exciting kind of way. It remotely reminds me of how it felt getting ready for parties in high school with a blindly optimistic anticipation that resides in the lungs. It feels like a big change is within reach and all that’s left to do is take a plunge.

I bite the inside of my mouth while taking a deep breath through the nose. 

“It’s cold out here”, Harvey says then and I expect him to continue, I expect him to suggest it might be better for me to head inside but he doesn’t. He keeps silent. 

Now or never. 

“I can make a fire”, I hesitate for just a second before a new wave of courage rushes through me, “Would you like to come in?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy monday (: i hope you'll have a great week!  
> thank you for reading <3


	15. Chapter 15

The coffee I made for us is too bitter. 

I know it is too bitter before I even pour it into the cups, my fingers cold against the warm handle of the pot. My mother would have made me pour it down the sink so I petulantly don’t do that. Harvey doesn’t seem to mind though, as he takes the first sip. I think about taking a sip too but my heartrate is elevated enough as is so instead I slowly spin the cup in small circles, the noise of porcelain on wood filling the air in the dimly lit kitchen.

“Did you know”, I start then, breaking the silence for the first time since I offered the coffee, “That I have five siblings?”

Harvey quickly raises his eyebrows in surprise before shaking his head slowly and rearranging his glasses.

“I did not know that, no.”

“I’m the second oldest.”

“I see.”

“You have two older sisters, right?”

“I do.”

“That must be nice.”

“I think it is, yes.”

He’s visibly confused by the very sudden change of topic but so am I. 

I suppose I am rambling. Rambling in an attempt to fill this nerve-wrecking silence because there’s two things that make you overthink and those things are silence and stillness and I have had plenty of that this winter so I am determined to compensate. And of course, I am rambling for rambling’s sake so I continue merrily.

“My mother was very strict with us, I suppose she had to be. Six kids are a lot to handle when you’re on your own for most of the day.”

“What about your father? Was he not around?”, Harvey asks and I can feel him shift his leg in an attempt to keep his nervous tick under control. 

“He worked all day as a janitor in the school three towns over. He left before sunrise and came home late at night. And then when he was home we weren’t supposed to bother him. When we were older my mother started working as a cleaning lady at the same school. She worked fewer hours than my father and still, she wasn’t home much anymore. They worked very, very hard, which is the other main reason why my mother was so strict with us. She wanted us to have it better than they did. She aimed for a generational shift from blue to white collar if you will. They put a lot of effort into making higher education possible for all six of us.”

“Did it work?”, he asks, wrapping his long fingers around his cup. 

“Yes and no”, I reply, “We did all go to college. But if you recall what I do for a living, you’ll realise that one of us danced out of line …”

I chuckle slightly and I can see the corners of his mouth twitch up.

“When I told my mother that I quit my office job to move out here she was absolutely furious with me. After all she moved away from the valley when she was only seventeen so she could build a better future for herself and the children that she didn’t even have back then.”

I role my eyes, continuously turning the cup in small circles.

“She said that I was messing everything up for myself. Stupid girl is ruining her own damn future!”, I say, mimicking my mother’s heavy backcountry accent for the last part, “But I didn’t care. And in my first ever act of defiance I packed my things and moved out here. If not for myself then to at least prove her wrong. I don’t regret the move at all. The valley has become a beautiful home to me… and yet…”

Silence surrounds us for a second before Harvey clears his throat, his hands still firmly in place around the cup.

“I think you’ve managed to prove your point, don’t you? The farm is up and running and you’re doing fairly well for yourself.”

“I suppose I’m doing alright. But there’s so much that needs to be done still and well… I wasn’t expecting winter to be so… uneventful. Sitting around, doing nothing but wait for the spring felt like I was losing the imaginary battle of ire that I am fighting so I set out to find something to busy myself with.”

“And you went to the mines.”  
This is not a question but a simple statement, still I nod.

“And after the accident…”

“You were forced to sit around and do nothing.”

“And I hated that so much.”

“I can imagine”, Harvey replies, looking up at the ceiling. 

He closes his eyes and lets out a long breath while I watch the artificial light reflect in his glasses, causing a light-yellow flare. Pretty and mesmerizing, just like his exposed throat. 

“You know”, he says then, turning his gaze back to the table, “You really did scare the hell out of me.”

I chuckle nervously, fidgeting with the cup a little more urgently as a blush creeps up my face. 

“So that’s why you were angry with me?”

He lets out a sigh, releasing his cup to massage his temples instead. 

“I told you outside that I wasn’t angry with you, didn’t I?”

“You did but I still find that very hard to believe.”

“I was angry at myself because I messed up, Esther”, he says, deflating visibly in his seat.

I shake my head slightly in confusion.

“What do you mean?”, I ask.

“When Maru and Demetrius brought you in and I saw you, covered in all that blood and dirt and vomit I was really… I was…”, he gestures his hands as though he’s trying to catch the right word as it is floating by in the air around him, “Terrified. So terrified, in fact I was unable to move at first.” 

“Was it that bad?”

“No”, he answers quickly, “I’ve seen much, much worse during my time in the ER in Zuzu. It wasn’t the injuries per se that petrified me, it was the fact that they were on you.”

“Oh.”

Oh.

“Yeah. Maru had to physically shake me out of that stupor before I could get to helping you. Now imagine if your injuries would have been worse and it would have taken me this long to jump into action, I don’t think I could have…”, he finishes with a simple sigh and places his hands flat on the table. 

“But they weren’t worse…”, I try quietly.

“Lucky for you they were not”, Harvey snorts, “Imagine that. A doctor that can’t take proper care of his patients because of his… affection for them.”

I can feel my pulse in my ears as I nervously reach for his hand. It’s warm and soft and the contact with his skin makes me tingle all over. 

“Affection, is it?”, I say, my voice shaky and heavy with clearly forged confidence.

Harvey is staring at my hand on his, blinking rapidly and swallowing hard.

“Yes”, he says, “At least I’d call it that.”

I squeeze his hand gently, causing the tingles to intensify.

“I’m sorry I caused you so much trouble”, I say then.

“No”, he replies, “I’m sorry for how I reacted. I suppose I was trying to avoid having this confrontation.”

“It’s not so bad, though, is it?”

“No, I can’t say that it is. I just didn’t want to make you feel weird…”

“With your affection?”, I tease weakly, feeling his hand twitch slightly under mine.

“Exactly…”

“Well, you’re not making me feel weird at all. You’re making me feel very good, actually”, I confess and my skin is burning and my heart is racing but I don’t mind that at all.

“You make me feel good too, Esther”, he replies and places his other hand on mine, sending a rush of excitement through me that kindles my nervousness. 

“If I promise not to go to the mines anymore… Do you think you’d like to have dinner with me sometime soon?”

Harvey chuckles.

“I think I’d like that a lot.”

“Even though I have a terrible haircut?” 

“It’s not so bad.”

He smiles at me, making his nose wrinkle a bit and there’s so much of that familiar kindness in his eyes, the past weeks seem dull and distant in comparison and suddenly it feels like the last bits of rubble are finally lifted off my chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if i tell you this chapter refused to be written, would you believe me?
> 
> this is the final chapter of my little story here and i can't thank you all enough for reading! i have been struggling with a lot of self-doubt lately and all your kind feedback has helped me feel a bit better about myself and taught me to trust in my abilities a little more. <3
> 
> i'd love to hear your final thoughts and i thoroughly hope you enjoyed my little tale of Harvey and Esther. Have a wonderful weekend and be safe!
> 
> (Ps: sometimes love isn't over the top romantic gestures, sometimes love is a simple conversation in a kitchen after sunset)


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